Everyone has a minimum travel requirement. The Queen of England alway
s travels in style, our president who is BFF with Bill Clinton travels with an entourage and her family to official State functions in a rented 747, Bryanboy (BB) never travel economy, and even Malu holiday inn Fernandez would travel in style if she can afford it. My mother has to have her presents all wrapped up for all the people she knew dead or alive back in her village, and she would not care if she gets there in planes, trains, magic carpet, broom or bamboo raft. That’s her minimum. Except Philippine Airlines but that’s another story. I, on the other hand agree with BB.Travelling at least business class only means comfort and rest. I don’t sleep well on airplanes so jet lag becomes my best-friend for the next two days at a destination. Having only 2 weeks, that’s 2 useless days, when you could have ate, shopped and walked to death. Unlike my partner who couldn’t care less as he can practically sleep sitting, standing, lying down as long as you give him a very cold San Miguel, Tiger, and Singha beer on arrival, he’ll get there happy. I, on the other hand needed to be horizontal. However, that’s my only travel requirement.
There are two types of holidays for us multicultural families. One is going back home type of holiday visiting families and friends, and two is our discovery and relaxation holiday.
The going back home type involves at least 1 month of your mother "informing" you that auntie A will pick us up at the airport, Auntie B is organising her friend to have us billeted when we get to the city as staying in a hotel usually means crying. That is Auntie B crying "why are the kids staying at the hotel when we have family in the city". Uncle A is organising "things to do"; while everyone is buying new air cons, freezers and FOOD. That is western FOOD or what they consider you eat being from abroad and all. Because you know they’ve seen pictures of your modern living and as we Filipinos are well known for our parties and hospitality, they have to "surprise" you. It means that on arrival, they will have a buffet full of delicacies they’ve made for two days that could feed the whole barangay for a week. The efforts are astounding, you’d thank them profusely considering that if a meal takes longer to prepare and cook than 15 minutes you’d ditch it and call the local Thai restaurant. And they have also just spent the money you sent them last month..
Unfortunately gluttony is not us.
Simplicity is luxury.
So you have to tell them these random wisdoms:
1) Lechon looks nice and taste incredible BUT pork is full of FAT and will force your cholesterol into hyperinflation faster than you can say; the achievement of KC Concepcion. Either sell the pigs and make some money instead or do not buy pigs with my money. It’s for your kids’ tuition fees.
2) Biko or sticky rice cooked in coconut milk is full of sugar, its’ best friends with diabetes, sister of obesity, brother of tooth decay, and mistress of coronary heart disease. You have to be careful because Manila hospitals will not treat you unless you are a millionaire or have OFW money.
3) Don’t let the relatives ‘surprise’ you by taking you to that American Burger Joint with the gay rainbow and that green coffee shop because it’s western FOOD. In some countries people who value their health and not contribute to the obesity epidemic avoid it like I avoid polyester. While some people think it’s just common to sit in a coffee shop for 4 hours, it’s for the faux socialites too. It's better to take me to the cemetery, speak with my ancestors and take photos of the amazing Chinese mini mausoleums.
4) White bread is not a sign of affluence, it looks good but like anything in Manila looks can be deceiving. It’s been bleached out of nutritious personality. Ditto, for white rice. Brown rice is the king. It helps your daily ROYAL ritual. It also goes without saying that filtered water is better for you than soft-drinks that filled the refrigerator. You are not rich because you can afford Coke and Pepsi, just stupid. Most soft drinks even the "diet" ones actually have a worrying mixture of neurotoxic and potentially carcinogenic high intensity sweeteners like aspartame and acesulfame K, tooth and bone destroying phosphoric acid and DNA damaging colourings like sulphite ammonia caramel. Scared yet!
5) Manang Rosita’s vegetables are organic. ORGANIC food is very expensive abroad and you must insist that there is a difference between CAGED and FREE-RANGE chickens and eggs. Free-range taste better. Growing a fully grown chicken in 8 weeks is NOT good so do not buy a chicken from "THAT" farm like it’s the entry to Embassy. It’s full of drugs.
6) Cleanliness is next to godliness but you need infection to strengthen your immune system, you do not need to bleach your children clean for stupid’s sakes. Children with running noses mean their bodies are fighting viruses well. Yes! That’s you Tracey Isabel Borres. You should be more careful of a smiling politician, best friend’s one day ATM (automated teller machine) the next. The same goes for a long lost relative who needed money for eye surgery.
7) Fresh air is better in the village and you’d soon acclimatize to the balmy weather and let the breeze fan you. You only need a mosquito net. Insect sprays are full of carcinogens and carbon propellant which are not good for the environment. If you fail to acclimatize you have circulation problems, see your GP pronto. Yes! That’s you Malu Fernandez. And may I add make up is not pore friendly, wash it and put some SPF30 broad spectrum sunscreen.
8) Luxury among the wealthy is either owning your own island or being able to afford to be in an island just you, the husband and a short wave radio. So do not take me to the BEST white sand island in the world, as the Ati’s have put a curse on it. There are other 7106 islands on low tide to choose from. Yes, Boracay is beautiful but it’s full of freeloading sharks with fake Louis Vuitton fins. The "Cosmo Manille" press card species as one society columnist puts it. Oh Ok Tim Yap, Malu, second wives, politicians mistresses, and socialites.
9) Creating a bonfire and grilling your own fish is a luxury the wealthy craves (even with a butler). As oppose to sitting your fat ass in an air-conditioned Discovery Shores Hotel Lobby sipping cocktails, it means you are a lazy drunk, not very well travelled, and very common. Anyone we know?
10) If you have a "white" husband or "KANO" walk him around town and he will be a magnet for all the kids and invite all of them to the poshiest place called "Jollibee". Buy them all lunch and ice cream. And I swear to my Anitos you’ll have at least 15 Bodyguards, 15 Tour guides and 15 Patola patrol spies (borrowed from Miss Kitty) for the duration of your stay. And most importantly the look on the faces of the snooty staff and snooty diners would be priceless. Memories that last fo
rever. The relaxation and discovery type of holiday consists of very cold beers, a bottle or two of cabernet sauvignon and some smoked salmon antipasto in my back deck, inside my house I call my castle. You can sleep all you want and not be bothered by room service and two legged sharks. That’s du vrai luxe and bon vivant.
I love the Philippines.
So what's your non pretentious holiday.
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